I don’t think we are all blessed knowing exactly what we want to be when we “grow up”.
I am pretty sure somewhere along the way, we sensed passion, a yearning for something that was beyond us, a love we didn’t know how to pin point or label. Somewhere along the way most of us lost THE way. Boxed in by social parameters, social acceptance, and fear. Fear of not being like everyone else. The fear of believing in yourself. Shoot. Who am i kidding? I didn’t even know I was supposed to believe in myself. I didn’t realize “self love” was so hard to come by or what it even meant. But, I was excellent at bringing up every short coming I had, just to beat the others to the punch. I thought, If I said it first, then they couldn’t and maybe wouldn’t. And that behavior lasted for years.
Most of my short comings came with self image. I have always and still to this day struggle with my weight.
In retrospect, my weight helped to sharpen my skills and focus as a musician. Its kind of like when someone loses a sense the others get stronger. Of course, I didn’t realize that’s what was happening. I didn’t realize that rejection in relationships was steering me towards a breaking point that would lead me to call out for help. Not the kind of damsel in distress help, but the on your knees can’t breathe call for help. That call for help still resonates within my soul and ears to this very day. I remember the exact moment, place, energy and everything that had lead to that moment. (I’ll save that for another time) I remember it so well, that it became the foundation for my search in finding myself. Finding yourself in the midst of raising children and a divorce is like trying to hunt marshmallows in a blizzard. The kind of blizzard that tosses you about and you’re blinded by ice and wind. So you stumble about with your hands out trying to find your way. I think I even stepped on some toes along the way. Oops.
I write this today, because today I started building my website. My collection of times gone and stories put to song, for all the world to hear. (or at least my friends and family) Probably when I’m gone (laughs). Today, I am finding myself on an even deeper level. I find the rejection still, but in different forms. I find the only monster I am, is the monster I allow myself to be. We will always have people who can’t see past the facade, the makeup, and the rumors. We will also always have those who see right into your soul, as if the sheet didn’t even exist. Those people are the people I celebrate today. The friends who won’t necessarily help you find those marshmallows in the snow, but rather open a new bag and hand them to you, because they knew you wanted them without saying a word. For those who still don’t see me…..Boooo…I’m Courtney!